Felt young for a moment

I was hit on by a younger woman. I don't know why ,maybe she has daddy issues. I really don't know her age I was too terrified to ask . She is really very pretty , so whats the deal , why me ? So I started thinking , Its a joke , one of my friends put her up to it. So I quickly ran back in and asked straight out, " Ok who put you up to this ? " She seemed confused and maybe a little scared as I was out of breath and you know what fat old guys look like when they run. There may have been a little sweat sway her way as I stopped abrubtly. She explained " your funny and your fun to be around blah .blah, blah.So she stopped by after work, and we visited. It was ok she loves laughing, drinking pina coladas and getting caught in the rain, I said thats a great song and she looked at me like my dog does, tilted head like wtf is he talking about. So she didnt know the song and I would be willing to wager I wouldnt know not even one of hers either. So I suggested she see the house as I am very proud of it. And it went down hill fast, I forgot that I had my socket set out earlier and forgot to put up my 9/16 socket. Well she slipped on it , her beer slashed the room like a sprinkler, her feet came up in the air and I caught her . But you must keep in mind that I also had beer in hand, so as I was catching her my beer poured right down  her white shirt. My dog thought she was attacking me and bit her on the ankle. So I ran for the first aid kit which is actually and old shoe box ,it works.I grabbed some ointment and band aids and was so proud of how well I was tending to her ankle and she seemed a might bit impressed too. She looked me in the eye with a very serious look and asked. " Is that for hemroids ? " To my absolute horror I looked down to see a tube of  the walmart brand of hemroid ointment. And in the box the antibiotic ointment still there. Well to say the least the night ended there. The only satisfaction I had is when my neighbor opened his door and asked if everything was ok and she flipped him off. He promptly shut the door. So after she flipped him off I called the night a success. I went back in the house and slipped on my 9/16. I have been in bed most of the day

Neighbors 2

     It use to be that when the neighbor stopped by it was for maybe a cup of  sugar , flour , maybe milk . Not now a days. Its a ride ,  cigarettes , or money , and not necessarily in that order . Just for the record I don't smoke , and I will loan money before I loan coffee ! Neighbor is shit out of luck on coffee. And oh I will no longer hand out aspirin , before you know it , your up in the middle of the night with a throbbing headache and no aspirin , you scream bang on the walls and the damn neighbor shows up.
" Hey is everything o.k. ? , "Do you need anything ?"  (And Judge that's when I shot him.)
    Does anybody just come over to say howdy how are ya doing ? NO ! Its " hey do you have any new movies,? or can I borrow some dish soap? And then its the all time worst " Can I borrow a roll of toilet paper. My worst fear in this life is not having toilet paper. I refuse to run out of shit tickets , and I don't leave home without them, carry a roll in my truck at all times. Its horrible when you can't make it to the restroom , you have to pull over off the road and generally loose a sock or a sleeve or you end up sliding down a cliff heading for a cold ass stream in New Mexico. I hate wearing my boots without socks so it was usually a shirt sleeve. There are pictures of me with some friends in which more than half of us are down to one sleeve. When asked by his young daughter why as she was looking at the picture he explained why. Then she asked why didn't we just pull off the other sleeve ? Hell no! We had a big time whiskey and beer drunk the night before , that was insurance.
     Oh and I hate I do mean hate when visiting a friend you find to your horror that your friend is one of those neighbors. that is so embarrassing. Then have the nerve to ask me to run next door and ask for toilet paper. You have got to be kidding me? NOPE !  brought my own . Your shit out of luck. Please be neighborly

Neighbors

They have always been there, lurking in the shadows, waiting for you to open your window. Just waiting for you to let the dog out or even pick up the paper. You know exactly what I am talking about. I don't know about you but if my dog is waking me up to go outside to do her business before I have had an opportunity to do mine that is a recipe for disaster. But it never fails . "Oh man she will pee on the floor if I don't get her out, But I really need to get in the crapper pretty quick" OK take the chance... slip robe on and head out don't even have coffee yet . Then out of no where there they are , the neighbors. And when do they show up? Right as you have stretched and let a fart slip. And no this isn't one of those you can cover up. Like the lady at the Hotel the other night, she was a sneeze fart er she sneezed and farted so loud it started an echo in the lobby of the hotel. It was bad made the front desk agent drop the phone and I dropped a tool and almost shorted out the phone system. Bend over to pick up the paper pooooooofo oops you look around. There's the neighbor.  No sense trying to cover it up whats done is done.One of those moments ,your alone, you need to crap. Go to the head and then it happens " KNOCK KNOCK" I really don't think that prison time would suit me so I sat there. He walked in  I am not kidding calling my name. There I am on the crapper. He hollers" Hey where are you" I replied "in the crapper" And in he came ,opened the frigging door and came in. Is there nothing sacred. I was taking a shit. Not a tiny poo, this was a full grown man sure enough dump.Something has to be done about these people..More on this tomorrow.